youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
