Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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