I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
