Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
