I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
