I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
