I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
