Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
