Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
