I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize