He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize