you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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