I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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