k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
