good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
