Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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