i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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