I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
