i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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