Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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