I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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