1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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