Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
