Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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