When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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