When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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