I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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