a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
