i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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