Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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