Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
