somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
