i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
