I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
