she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
