just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She told me I should be a condom model.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
