that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
