his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
