when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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