After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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