hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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