at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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