her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
