the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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