my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
