I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
