I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
