If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
