Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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