we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
