What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
