My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
