apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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