Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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