Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
