I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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