Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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