Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
