dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
50% drunk capacity currently
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sext me about skeletons
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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