I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
