Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
