Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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