Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
