you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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