OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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