You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
