I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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