there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
