If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
